theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
