I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
