i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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