you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
jump out the window naked night went bad
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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