Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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