I have demons in me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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