I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
