do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
