First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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