sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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