Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
