i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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