This is not my ceiling
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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