he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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