Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
