where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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