If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
