So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Randomize
