my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
