Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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