1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
