my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
