Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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