She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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