this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
