WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
