i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
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So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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