Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
