I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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