Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
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I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
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I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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