I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
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The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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