I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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