I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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