his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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