I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
