I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We just shotgunned beers for America
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
