I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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