Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
