I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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