Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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