also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
