Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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