Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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