the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
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About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
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I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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