my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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