Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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