Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
