Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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