i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
