Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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