If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The power of my boobs compel you
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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