pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
