so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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