In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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