Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
