if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
