only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
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I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
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These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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