If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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