I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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