You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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